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2011 - 78m.

This is the worst kind of flick to review. It's easy to see that distributor Phase 4 are quickly becoming the new Lionsgate by using the same tactics of packaging low-grade genre flicks with catchy artwork and titles that pissed off many a horror fan in the past. Call me a sucker for getting drawn in and throwing down my two dollars to buy the DVD. The same thing happened to me with fellow Phase 4 release (and lousy Predator clone) Flesh Wounds but at least that had Kevin Sorbo ("Hercules: The Legendary Journeys") in it. However, apart from this bait-and-switch, what makes Parasitic an effort to get through is that it's filled with annoying characters who spout countess minutes of inane dialogue and aimlessly wander around making even the compact 78 minute run time seem to drag. And even though I approve of the lingerie slip-on opening credits and the creature effects, when they get a chance to puncture the boredom of being trapped in a bar with assholes, are generally okay - it's the only part of the flick that makes writer-director Timothy R. Martin's background of doing effects on such films as Spider-Man and Zombie Strippers! obvious - he has absolutely no grip on proper pacing or delivering minor thrills.

Forty-eight hours after a meteor streaks to Earth and crashes into the ocean, one of the employees of a nightclub eats some sushi made of fish tainted by a parasite that hitched a ride on the flaming ball of space rock. After early scenes that include lame attempts at humour (one scene contains purposely badly written subtitles to try and get laughs), some of the girls sluttily dancing and kissing, and acting directly from the "staring into space while delivering stilted dialogue" school; the raw fish chomping Val (Bianca Holland) gets really sick and starts spitting up black crud all over herself while conveniently taking her bra off. Yes, Val is infected and soon sprouts a penis-like tentacle from her neck before she starts picking off her fellow workers one-by-one.

What follows is plentiful badly lit scenes of our cast stumbling around in the dark before being attacked and becoming creatures themselves, a groanable running joke about fish, and a moment where one of our trapped victims decides to give a big heroic "we can't let it get out of here!" speech (ugh!). By the time the finale rolls around, you just won't give a shit and probably be sporting a huge headache.

If implants equal acting talent, then Holland has it in spades. I have to give her credit for walking through the movie caked in goo while her penis-tentacle crazily twitches about but the rest of the cast is filled with "one and done" actors (almost all have this as their only credit) that I wouldn't be surprised if they were culled from whatever night or strip clubs that happened to be close to the filming location. They truly are miserable.

Parasitic is the kind of movie you'll fleetingly spot the artwork for when browsing Netflix Instant and consider watching. Don't. It's another strong example of why (most) effects guys shouldn't try to expand into actually making their own movie and does nothing to distinguish itself from all the other crappy horror flicks littering the landscape and made me wish I'd of spent my two dollars on something more significant, like a Slurpee. (Chris Hartley, 5/14/15)

Directed By: Timothy R. Martin.
Written By: Timothy R. Martin.

Starring: Bianca Holland, Amanda Beck, Miguel de la Rosa, Marcus Jordan.