It's hard to put an exact finger on just why Neil LaBute's The Wicker Man remake is so awful - possibly because everything about it is.

LaBute has given the 1973 British original a feminist spin with the residents of private island Summersisle living a tranquil existence under the guidance of Sister Summersisle (Ellen Burstyn), while enjoying the blessings of the Earth and a sisterly bond with their fellow females while men are subservient pawns in the background. But that's all about to change when policeman Edward Malus (Nicholas Cage) shows-up.

Taking time off after being tortured with visions of the little girl and her mother he couldn't save while out on highway patrol, Malus receives a letter from ex-fiancé Willow (Kate Beahan) asking him to help her find her missing daughter. Looking at this as an opportunity to get out there and try to get back 'on the horse', he decides to head-off to Summersisle in order to try and track down the girl. Malus shows up on the island and he's not exactly given much of a greeting. But then again, it could be because he's pretty much a dick right away by tromping his way to the local inn and bitchily telling everyone how he's a cop and he'll be "questioning everyone" about the disappearance whether they like it or not. Yeah, way to endear yourself to the locals.

From here things in LaBute's script continue to pile up as he attempts to make his film a spooky ghost story mixed with Wiccan spin by having Malus continually have weird visions of the youngster which leads him to various moments of peril - such as when he sees her underwater and dives in without using any logical thinking (I know that if I saw a girl under the water and I didn't actually see her fall in, I'd pretty much assume she was dead and, despite being freaked out, wouldn't overact in such a way). Basically it comes down to Malus versus everyone else on the island as he tries to uncover the mystery, figure out why everyone's just so goddamn weird, and try to patch-up his relationship with Willow. But all the while Sister Summersisle may have other, sinister, plans for him. This leads us to one of the weakest (and unintentionally funny) finales in recent memory. Not only does Cage's character get to slug out a few women (even dropkicking Leelee Sobieski's character across the room into a wall), he also gets to don a bear suit (trust me, I was laughing hysterically by now at how terrible this all was) and join in the festivities that ends with a bit of nastiness involving the title idol.

If you're not battling with LaBute's poor script and poorer dialogue, or laughing at all the ridiculous events that seemingly occur at random, then you'll be groaning at Cage's performance. It's also like he knew he was in a bad movie and decided to overact as much as humanly possible. If he's not flying off the handle at random or threatening someone, he has a pained look on his face. However, it might not have been intentional like I suspect as Cage's general career has been up-and-down (he's either good, or he tends to overdo it). Also, Bursytn is given the thankless task of being the mild-mannered village leader and has to embarrassingly don blue and white face paint for the finale that looks like a cheap knock-off of Braveheart (and had me yelling, "for freeeeeddooommmm!!!" at my television screen).

The Wicker Man is one miserable movie. I've never seen the original (for shame, I know) and I was angry at this remake. I can't imagine what the hardcore fans of the original felt but I'm going to assume it involved LaBute's head and a stick. While I'm not an advocate of remakes or "reimaginations" it is getting a little bit stupid when over half of the horror output by Hollywood in the past few years has been of that nature. It's almost like the big studios are afraid to take a chance on original ideas (thank goodness for Lionsgate for the Saw movies and having the balls to release Neil Marshall's The Descent in North America), but Warner has done a true sin here hiring someone who has absolutely no experience in the genre (all of LaBute's movies usually deal with the relationships between men and women) and letting him molest a film that's considered one of the genre's unsung classics. (Chris Hartley, 1/24/07)

Directed By: Neil LaBute.
Written By: Neil LaBute.

Starring: Nicholas Cage, Ellen Burstyn, Kate Beahan, Frances Conroy.