---

Column # 6: The Oscars:
A Hollow Ceremony

Hey guys, Vhs Caveman here. The following is a reproduction of an article I wrote a year ago for my school paper. It questions the validity of the Oscars, and while it talks about last year's nominees, I think the message is relevant to every Academy Awards show of every year, including this one.

Another year, another set of movies, another Academy Awards show. We need the Academy, after all, to tell us what movies were worth watching this past year. They are the light in the darkness, the guide in the foreign land, the friend with the connections, the one who’s going to hook us up and give us the inside story, the real deal. If you're one of the ones who waited to see The Aviator until it had been safely nominated, then I'd like to commend you for your good taste and independent opinion. As human beings we need institutions to tell us what we can and cannot do, which foods and drugs are good for us, and now even, yes, what entertainment is suitable for viewing. Indeed, the Academy is kind enough to save us the inconvenience of having to sit through all those tiresome movies in search of the "best", they did the work for us.

Not only do they weed out the bad from the good, but they do so in a gala entertainment event! With celebrities! It’s like the Superbowl! You all watch the Superbowl right? Of course you do. You all bought Valentine's Day candy and flowers and cards and stuffed animals too right? And Christmas? You all bought each other loads of presents? It’s important to collectively buy things on ordained days. It’s also important to watch the Superbowl and the Academy Awards.

As someone who truly loves movies I feel a bit... well, put off by the Academy Awards. Movies, despite the social setting of the theatre, and despite the mass marketing campaigns, are at heart a personal experience. You watch the story, you take it in and let it affect you. With that in mind, we are all different people and we each bring something new to the table. Someone can watch a movie like The Aviator and be stunned to see such a successful and talented man get eaten alive by his own demons. Someone else may watch the very same movie and have trouble relating to a billionaire who collects his own urine, it’s open to interpretation. Art is not a baseball game, there is no score to keep. But we're supposed to accept that the cinema is a game with rules and regulations, and that movies that follow these regulations are superior to others. It’s a beauty pageant, a talent show and an election all at the same time. Some movies are manipulated and presented as "Oscar contenders", while others linger in obscurity.

Why do we do this? Why do we need to label one completely different work as better than the others? It must go back to that favored social practice; competition. My claws are sharper than your claws, I'm bigger than you are. It’s capitalism, it’s Darwinism, it’s the American way.

But, come on, with our movies, our escapism? Is Million Dollar Baby really better than Sideways? Can the pleasures of Spider Man 2 be discounted in the face of Closers sweeping brilliance? Isn't it silly to even ask these questions?

The Academy cannot pick out the best picture. There is no best picture, all the Academy can do is make an opinion, a collective opinion yes, but it’s still just an opinion. I don't need the Academy to give me its opinion, especially when it’s deeply entangled in Hollywood politics. Business politics. I'll watch movies on my own time, form my own opinion.

"And the Oscar goes to..." I don't care. You shouldn't either. -Vhs Caveman, 1/20/06