There's so much going on against Moscow Zero that even the film's cold, stoic visuals that come from being set in the underground of the Russian capital can't help it rise above a story that seems to weave around without any real focus while trying to pile on a complex, often confusing, plot that any chances there could have been for any sort of suspense wrung from setting everything in a tight, claustrophobic tunnel system are defeated by that awful script. This is one muddled, un-thrilling mess of a movie.

American priest Owen (Vincent Gallo) arrives in the country being led there after reading the crazy scrawlings of his anthropologist friend Sergei (Rade Serbedzija) who talks about a secret labyrinth of catacombs under the city that are rumoured to contain an entrance to the gates of Hell. Now Sergei has gone missing and it's up to Owen, and a team of guides and specialists he's gathered together, to venture into the darkness to try and locate him. This leads to plenty of padding while they wander around, almost aimlessly, in the catacombs intercut with Sergei talking to himself and trying to decipher Biblical passages.

There's also a sub-plot involving some feral, and presumably supernatural (hence evil), children who are stalking them down there as well as Val Kilmer, who has about two minutes of screen time despite over the title billing with Gallo, in a pointless role where he's apparently a big enough deal to grant Owen and his group access to the catacombs without them being attacked by the locals. In amongst all of this superfluous plotting, director María Lidón (billed here as simply "Luna") resorts to multiple uses of a fish-eye lens, making the picture go all hazy and wavy, and lots of whispering and dark shadows to try and build suspense. The only problem with all these attempts at arty scares is that they are basically held hostage by frequent boring passages and, I'm going to rag on this again, a screenplay filled with characters we really know nothing of, or care about for that matter. Moscow Zero only runs a brief 82 minutes but feels a Hell of a lot longer.

It's become quite apparent over the years that Kilmer really doesn't care what he's appearing in as long as he gets a paycheque - remember this is they guy who played a corpse in the Polish western Dead Man's Bounty - and from the moment his bloated mug appeared on screen to its departure a few minutes later I felt a little bit sorry for him as he showed so much promise early on in his career in such fare as Top Gun, The Doors, and Willow. He's taken much of the same path as Oscar winning Cuba Gooding, Jr. but, if possible, more off the beaten track. Gallo, on the other hand, is the kind of actor who likes to think he's more important than he really is with lots of pretentious and eccentric films in his past. Why he's here is a mystery and he mumbles his way through the entire thing but at least he gets to make out with one of his female guides in a scene that had me scratching my head - the dude's a priest after all and they never once hinted at anything between the two of them.

I've said it before but there's so much potential in staging a horror flick in tight quarters but it seems that, apart from Neil Marshall and his awesome The Descent, no one knows how to do it right. There's definitely nothing right here as its pretty much impossible to get tense watching rambling scenes of people talking, veteran actor Serbezija (who deserves way better than this) running around looking loony, and much-used shots of our demonic kiddies running down tunnels scratching sticks along the sides. To call Moscow Zero one of the most miserable genre efforts of the last five years is almost being too generous to it and I'm still trying to figure out not only how it got green-lit based on the script but also why they spent a purported ten-million-dollars making such an ugly movie. (Chris Hartley, 9/27/10)

Directed By: Luna (María Lidón).
Written By: Adela Ibanez.

Starring: Vincent Gallo, Oksana Akinshina, Val Kilmer, Rade Serbedzija.