When a horror spoof makes Saturday the 14th look good, you know you're in trouble. Monster High is an unfunny, "everything but the kitchen sink", type parody filled with sub-par acting, dirty jokes that don't work, and a bunch of seemingly random events tossed at the screen. Now I know why for all those years I passed this by on the video store shelf...

As the cigar smoking, white glove wearing, mob-boss sounding "Monster In Charge" watches on from his office somewhere in (what we assume is) Hell, two hi-voiced aliens called "Dume" and "Glume" (who later in the movie have an awful "music video" moment where they do a rap song packed with scatological puns) steal a doomsday device and head off to Earth landing on the campus of Montgomery Sterling High (or MONtgomery STERling HIGH) - this doesn't fare well for the geeky Norm (Dean Iandoli) who is having a hard enough time trying to talk to the girl he has a crush on without being forced to try and save the World as well.

Also into the messy mix that co-writers Roy Langsdon and John Platt call a script comes the long-nailed baddie Mr. Armageddon who goes around the school making out with and knocking-off cheerleaders looking for a bride, killing off students (he places a "Can O' Condom" on one guy's head suffocating him and turning him into a zombie); and unleashing such random monsters like a mummy, a slug-like midget in a rubber suit, and a giant tree creature. Oh, and just to riff on fellow horror-comedy Teen Wolf the movie even ends with a basketball game where the World's fate hangs in the balance.

To say Monster High is a complete mish-mash of bad ideas would be an understatement. It's fairly easy to spoof the horror genre so it's surprising that movies attempting to usually fail miserably (I'm looking at you Scary Movie and Bogus Witch Project). However, I doubt one has been quite as outright inept as this one turns out. There's absolutely no flow to the movie and that's obvious when the filmmakers felt it necessary to throw in a narration track that not only explains the plot but also gives the writers more chance to toss out lame innuendo filled one-liners.

Painfully lamebrained and sloppy, this low-budget junker has a bit of splattering blood to try and keep you interested and almost every female cast member gets nude (with the help of ample body doubles), but even tossing the red stuff and close-ups of nipples can't distract you from wanting to tear your eyes out of their sockets and end your misery.

Director Rudiger Poe would go on to direct a bunch of "video specials" for Playboy magazine (odd since he has no idea how to film naked bodies here) while co-writers Langsdon and Platt both would write fad movie The Forbidden Dance before working on such reality shows as Big Brother and The Amazing Race. (Chris Hartley, 8/20/06)

Directed By: Rudiger Poe.
Written By: Roy Langsdon, John Platt.

Starring: Dean Iandoli, Diana Frank, David Marriott, Robert M. Lind.