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2014 - 123m.

If I go see a movie called Godzilla I want there to be some f*cking Godzilla in it. It's a two hour movie and our fire-breathing lizard doesn't even show up until the halfway mark and is in it maybe twenty minutes tops. Granted, I have to give credit to the makers for staying true to the tone of the 1954 original though I admit to missing the comic book buffoonery of later Toho flicks since everything here is taken way too seriously. There's nary any fun in sight and, as much as it pains me to write this, even the 1998 North American stinker at least had some humour.

I really dug how the movie started off with newspaper clippings and news footage to bring us up to speed with the United States' atomic bomb testing and how it resulted in stirring a creature from the ocean floor. Forty-five years later scientist Joe Brody (Bryan Cranston) and co-worker wife Sandra (Juliette Binoche) are investigating the discovery of an odd skeleton in an underground cavern. An explosion traps Sandra in the mine and she ends up dying setting Joe on a hermit-like path and giving the flick its harbinger character.

Fast forward another fifteen years and Joe's son Ford (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) is all grown up and an officer in the Navy. Ford is forced to go look after his dad when he's caught breaking into his former employer. They head to their former house that sits in a quarantined radioactive zone only to discover: a) there's no radiation and b) they government is on to them. From here they're taken back to base, a duo of giant monsters crawl out of the Earth's core, Joe dies (well, there goes the best thing in the movie!), and creature rampaging begins with Ford just happening to show up at every single location the mayhem is going down. At the same time the script attempts to give the thinly drawn humans some personality (and fails miserably at it) by having Ford's wife Elle (Elizabeth Olsen) brought into the picture to basically just run through the movie looking scared. She does nothing and adds nothing.

Finally Godzilla appears and after being attacked by the military takes on the role of "hero" giving the finale a little bit of panache as our giant beasts slug it out, shit explodes, and buildings crumble. Which, while pretty cool at times and benefitting from having 'Zilla looking decent and breathing old school blue flames, is (like most of the movie) dreary. I'm not sure if it was the 3D conversion which was added after shooting that makes everything dark and hard to see but it's distracting - I also barely noticed the 3D anyway.

When I walked out of the theatre, I wasn't giddy. I began to question even if I liked monster movies anymore. But then, after letting things sink in a little, I realized I just didn't like this particular monster movie. Like I said, not enough Godzilla and when all the human characters are a complete drag paired with the fact this is just too serious a goddamn movie it was hard to have any real fun. I did like the mild winks at Toho fare and director Gareth Edwards (Monsters) probably had good intentions but, man, what a terrible script he has to contend with. Just try not to guffaw at the moment when Godzilla and Ford end up face-to-face and 'Zilla winks at him.

While Taylor-Johnson fit perfectly into Kick-Ass as a comic book nerd turned superhero here he's just completely bland, even with his newly ripped physique. I was incredibly disappointed at how they literally did nothing with Olsen because she quickly captured my attention with Martha Marcy May Marlene and Silent House and is reduced to the helpless wife here. Cranston could've added some class but leaves early but not nearly as early as Binoche. Ken Watanabe is also wasted as the token Asian scientist who is seemingly only here to say "Godzirra".

When the first trailer hit for 2014's Godzilla, I was stoked. It looked so damn good but I should've known they put the flick's best moment (involving parachuting soldiers) in the teaser. The lack of Godzilla for a good chunk of this also makes it incredibly hard to recommend. Sure, it's not as ridiculous and insulting as the 1998 version but I'd still rather sit through King Kong vs. Godzilla again - and that's not exactly a good thing. (Chris Hartley, 6/2/14)

Directed By: Gareth Edwards.
Written By: Max Borenstein.

Starring: Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Elizabeth Olsen, Ken Watanabe, Bryan Cranston.