I have seen a lot of crap in my day and wasted countless hours of my life subjecting myself to bad movies for the thrill I get from finding a so-called diamond in the rough. In my quest for these gems, I have learned to try to see good in terrible movies but in the case of Fast Zombies with Guns, I don't have anything nice to say. From the opening frames, this is a complete mess on every level and because the movie was written, directed, edited, and shot by Bennie Woodell, the blame falls almost entirely on him. This could be the worst looking movie that I have seen released by a fledgling DVD company and I am surprised that Chemical Burn put this out in the state that it is in. The colour is so washed out at times that the picture appears to be black and white and some scenes are so dark that it is difficult to see character faces. The acting is a mixed bag and you can tell that most of the performers lack experience but the substandard picture quality and convoluted script overshadow any decent performances. The effects are also weak with little effort being put into zombie makeup as most flesheaters are indicated by an open wound or bite mark but that's about it. There is some gore but it is mostly made up of quick blood sprays that may or may not be computer generated. To top it off, there is no skin and no character development aside from the main couple that consists of a quiet hitman and his annoying, superficial girlfriend.

The plot is almost non-existent and it feels like Woodell came up with the concept of running zombies bearing arms and then desperately tried to find a way to expand it into a movie. The opening scenes are rushed and introduce a number of characters very quickly who are involved with a criminal named Paul Varlo who is going to court. Varlo attempts to silence the key witness by poisoning his water supply with a mysterious formula that ends up starting the zombie outbreak. Meanwhile, hitman Jake kills an old couple and steals a piece of jewellery that plays into a convenient coincidence later in the running time. After the initial setup, there is scene after scene of random zombie attacks until Jake and his woman meet up with a group of survivors and they all attempt to reach a boat so that they can sail away to safety. This is lazy writing and I had zero emotional investment in any character and therefore no real interest in what happened to anyone. I was seriously clockwatching on this flick and several times wrote text messages to friends wondering why I was wasting my life watching this.

Music can be a very important part of making a movie as it can add to the picture if used properly or detract from the picture if used poorly. I'm sure you can guess what happened here. First, I would like to mention the song that plays during the opening credits. It is the usual generic goth metal that shows up in many an independent horror flick (it is either that or industrial). No matter how many times this happens, indie filmmakers keep resorting to this. I suppose they have a buddy that is in a "cool" local band and call a favor but they would be much better off doing something to set themselves apart rather than employing some tune that sounds like the theme for countless other indie horror flicks. This is the high point and the film really drops the ball with the remainder of the score. For the most part, it is a lone distorted guitar noodling away throughout and is terrible repetitive and grating. It took me back to high school and going to a a friend of mine's house who was an aspiring guitarist and trying to have a conversation while he was nonchalantly playing random notes for hours on end. At many times, I wanted to go all Pete Townsend on that bloody guitar and this brought that rage right back. It got even better later in the movie when the composer discovered the delay pedal that I suppose was his way of conveying intensity. There was a brief reprieve with equally awful keyboards and although this only lasted a few minutes, it was a welcome break from the endless distortion.

Chemical Burn Entertainment are not doing themselves any favours releasing movies like this. Sure the title has a certain ring to it and it will sell some copies but horror fans are a fickle bunch and catch on pretty quick. If I keep seeing crap like this from this company, I am simply going to start avoiding them. Surely, there must be better low budget horror flicks out there that could be getting a release from these guys and they don't need to scrape the bottom of the barrel to make a quick buck. I was excited that there was a new kid on the block when ads for this company began to appear on the pages of Rue Morgue and other horror magazines but my interest is waning. Hopefully, they will start to take a little more care when thinking about titles they want to add to their roster rather than releasing everything that comes through the mail slot. I would love to see a company focus on quality rather than quantity for a change and stick around for a while rather than blowing the trust of genre fans by releasing shitty product like Fast Zombie with Guns. As the kids today say, this movie is an epic fail. (Josh Pasnak, 9/29/13)

Directed By: Bennie Woodell.
Written By: Bennie Woodell.

Starring: Leena Kurishingal, Tony Swansey, Will Cummings III, Dennis Doornbas.