Being a horror fan (and a critic), I've seen a lot of really awful movies over the years. In fact, I've come to the conclusion that there are way more bad flicks out there than there are good. That's why I'm surprised that I found myself, well, surprised at just how outright inept and stupendously lousy Donald Farmer's Dorm Of The Dead was. It's definitely the worst movie in recent memory I've had to slug my way through - and that's with a running time that barely clears an hour!

I guess I should've gotten the hint when I saw that "indie screen queen" Tiffany Shepis was listed on the box (and in case you're wondering, no, she doesn't get naked). But, dare I say it, this has got to be one of her most embarrassing moments and this is from an actress who lists at least twenty shoe-string movies on her resume. But as she says on the DVD's supplementary material, "Dorm Of The Dead... what we do to pay rent". This statement is almost sad, as she's a pretty girl with a good personality who deserves better than this.

As the third production in Under The Bed Films' "Midnight Horror Storys" (yes, they spelt stories incorrectly on the box) this opens up with, what I assume is, a Cryptkeeper-like robed figure (played by Dukey Flyswatter former frontman of metal band Haunted Garage) asking us if we can handle the 'dorm of the dead'. We certainly can, but I assume our flashlight-below-chin host can't, as he doesn't show up again until way after the credits to laugh maniacally.

From there we go to Arkham Hall, a dormitory for girls that's soon going to have a little problem with the living dead. After being pretty much c*ckblocked by his girlfriend, you can't blame a guy for making out with whatever he can in the nearby alleyway, can you? But at least the guy could've clued-in that the girls he's currently making-out with might not just be suffering from acne (I don't know about you, but it's not very sexy to me to see a girl with grey skin and blotches). He's soon killed off by our group of undead and his topless lounging girlfriend is soon to follow when they somehow make their way up to her room.

Enter Shepis as she gets to do a lame lesbian scene right after the credits as she gets to un-erotically rub and smooch a female co-star while bad techno music plays in the background. Soon enough her boyfriend catches her in the act and (after smacking her around a bit) ends up chasing her to the parking garage basement of the dorm. This also turns out to be a bad mistake as they both fall victim to our pre-credits zombies.

For the rest of Dorm Of The Dead we get to follow Sarah (Ciara Richards), a goth vegan who likes to do grave rubbings, her friend Allison (Adrianna Eder), and stuck-up valley girl Clare (Jackey Hall) who's hatched a plot to steal some zombie blood from one of her teachers in order to teach Sarah a lesson for laughing at her in class. Yeah, the teacher has zombie blood. He brought it back from him from a trip to Haiti two years ago. Farmer also occasionally has our basement zombies attack someone while having our now infected Sarah (who's had the blood poured into her mouth while sleeping by Clare) wandering around also chomping on random people.

It's hard to decide what's the worst thing about Dorm Of The Dead. You could easily point a finger at the bad screenplay. You could criticize the fact that all the scenes with Shepis and her underground zombies feel like they were shot on a separate day. Or you could just shake your head at how incompetently made the entire thing is. But if I were to personally pick the thing that annoyed me the most it would have to be the acting, or lack thereof. Sure, Richards does the best she can with the material, but the rest of the cast have some of the worst line delivery witnessed in recent memory with Eder looking all of fourteen (she's supposed to be a college student) and Hall giving one of the worst performances I've ever seen in a low-budget horror flick with her annoying accent and awful reciting of dialogue.

That's not to say the entire thing isn't stone cold shit, because it is. Farmer has made over twenty films in his career (of which I've seen this and the equally awful Vampire Cop as well as the better than expected An Erotic Vampire In Paris) but if this is any indication of the quality of his work maybe he should consider a job change. (Chris Hartley, 10/2/07)

Directed By: Donald Farmer.
Written By: Donald Farmer.

Starring: Adrianna Elder, Jackey Hall, Amy Owenby, Ciara Richards.

Picture Ratio: Full Frame.

Picture Quality: Another low-budgeter that's shot on video, Dorm Of The Dead actually looks fairly poor on disc. The clarity is pretty grainy and fuzzy throughout and the entire thing looks exactly like what it is: cheap. I've seen similiarly budgeted fare look better than this on DVD.

Extras: We get a trailer that contains a few throwaway quotes from shock jock Howard Stern and Joblo.com as well as a passable behind-the-scenes featurette that's only notable for when co-star Shepis has to ask what the name of the movie she's filming is.

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