"Don't forget, at the end of the day, it's just a snake. A really messed up snake." Oh, such words of wisdom, DMX. And just what are you doing in this anyway? Perhaps it's for the name recognition, or just because they needed an African-American to justify the voodoo angle of the story, but I just can't see your thuggish fans wanting to see a shitty, low-budget horror flick that sports some really poor CG effects and maybe about ten minutes of your pained-looking mug. Sure, you got some notice for your co-starring turn with Steven Seagal in Exit Wounds but I'm pretty sure a blow-up doll could out act Steve.

Originally titled Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent, and now going under the much more generic (and less exhausting) Carnivorous, this marks the second effort I've endured from director Amir Valinia and while it's not as painful as Mutants, it's no better than the generic pap SyFy passes off as their "movie of the week". The proceedings aren't done any favours by scripters Dan Garcia and Evan Scott who have watched Pumpkinhead way too many times without picking up any of the mood or outright guilt channelled by Lance Henriksen in the title role of Stan Winston's 1988 monster flick.

After a terrible pastiche of a credits sequence we see a youngster flee from his drunken dad before teaming up with a neighbour girl to break into a nearby house where the owners just so happen to partake in voodoo. They steal an ancient "kulev stick" (basically a pencil with a carved alligator top) that has the power to summon a half alligator/half snake creature when it's drawn onto paper. Soon our inebriated dad gets his and we fast forward to the now grown Alan (Louis Herthum) who is living a serene life with his wife (and kiddie co-thief) Becky (Lisa Arnold).

Into the picture comes some annoying, badly written twenty-something's who are heading out for a weekend of partying. They somehow end up running over Becky when she goes to check the mailbox - I have absolutely no idea how they couldn't notice her - and the Pumpkinhead ripping-off is set into motion when Alan uses the kulev stick to take revenge of her killers. This gives them the opportunity for a few toss-away scenes with DMX acting tough and buying a bazooka from some gangsta types (foreshadowing anyone?), a moment with our slutty character Ashley (Victoria Vodar) dancing about in her bra and then having sex fully clothed, a couple of weak creature attacks, and the eventual teaming up of Alan with the nerdy Kelly (Wes Brown) and sensible Sam (Lauren Fain) to stop our rampaging beast. Then comes a super abrupt ending before a dragged-out eight(!) minute credit roll to pad things out to 81 minutes.

We've already established that DMX, and his tough guy posturing, has absolutely no purpose here and I found Herthum to make a poor man's Henriksen but it's not all terrible on the acting front. Brown and Fain are actually okay in their roles even if they have to constantly cringe away from some poor CG shots. The rest of the cast is passable at best, though I found Vodar's attempts to be sexy and her simulated moaning during the sex scene quite funny. Arnold is likeable in her few minutes of screen time and I find it interesting she's gone on to mostly co-star in religious themed movies.

There's absolutely no reason to watch Carnivorous. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you there is. Sure, there's a pretty fun decapitation moment but those few seconds aren't going to make me convince you to waste your time when you could be watching a more entertaining giant snake flick - Hell, even the first two Anaconda entries offer more enjoyment than this. (Chris Hartley, 3/10/15)

Directed By: Amir Valinia.
Written By: Dan Garcia, Evan Scott.

Starring: DMX, Wes Brown, Lauren Fain, Louis Herthum.