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1982 - 96m.

I blame Frank Zappa. With the success of his 1982 single, "Valley Girl", he managed to shine the spotlight on female Californian teenagers who spouted their own unique vernacular (that included multiple uses of the words "like" and "whatever" as well as the phrase "gag me with a spoon") and were obsessed with being popular and fashionable. It was a group that shouldn't have gathered worldwide attention but did and was popularized in the following year's surprise hit Valley Girl. The Vals appeared the same year as Zappa's tune (a cash-in perhaps?) and is pretty much lacking the charm of the Deborah Foreman flick as well as not being sure if it wants to be a raunchy comedy or a teen drama about being misunderstood. It certainly doesn't operate very well as both and, judging from the awkward shifts to serious angsty discussions between our girls, they should have focused more on the party-filled tastelessness the 80s did so well.

Completely dated from its bad New Wave soundtrack down, our opening scenes gives us a quick rundown of exactly what a "Val" is and we meet our four girls Sam (Jill Carroll), Trish (Elena Stratheros), Beth (Michelle Laurita) and Annie (Gina Calabrese). When they're not dealing with their completely out-of-touch folks (which include the great Chuck Connors as Sam's television producer father) or spending their time at the nearby shopping mall, they're going to local parties where much usage of beer bongs and generally mayhem occurs. It's also at these parties we meet their rivals, a bunch of snobby Beverly Hills girls who pick on them and threaten: "I'll gag you with a knife if you don't leave." Yes, life in the Valley is tough - or at least seems to be whenever the script has numerous scenes of the girls sitting around talking about their parental woes.

Otherwise, this is a pretty randomly plotted time that is fuelled early on by the fact pretty much all the female leads show off their boobs, we get to see Connor doing some rails and go on a cocaine fuelled ramble, there's a few side trips to a lingerie store and some S&M gear on display, lots of frat house humour including our frat leader being carried Roman style before engaging in a football game in the mall, a little bit of inner tubing, some "Fonzie" looking drug dealers, and Annie losing her car in a race to the "Bevs".

Eventually co-writers James Polakof (who also directed) and Deborah Amelon decide to throw in a subplot where the girls meet the kindly, wheelchair bound head of an orphanage (the much "past his prime" John Carradine) and go on a mission to "save the broke kids" as they try to earn enough money (by, in typical 80s fashion, trying to sell cocaine they've swiped from Sam's dad among other schemes) so the orphanage doesn't get shut down.

Considering we have to spend most of the movie in their company and that a lot of that time is spent giggling, our main actresses are generally okay. Carroll, who would be the only one to really be in much else of note with Psycho II and The Unholy on her resume, is likeable enough and has decent chemistry with both Stratheros and Laurita. However, it's Calabrese who's the weak link. Drifting through the flick looking like she's in a drug daze the only thing worthwhile about her presence is the fact she has nice cans. She'd show those off again in the opening scene of the Charles Band stinker The Dungeonmaster. Tony Longo gets the only real laugh as frat leader Mike when he goes all scientific on our ass about the properties of cocaine and there are a whole lot of familiar faces in bit roles including Tiffany Bolling (Kingdom of the Spiders) and Sonny Bono.

The Vals is a pretty dull, scatterbrained time that has its moments but mostly just spins its wheels. I'm not one to frown on a flick that sports so much nudity and a few unintentional chuckles but I just couldn't get into this one. I love 80s comedies in the same vein as this one (Screwballs, Malibu Bikini Shop for examples) but found myself getting impatient with all the mild dramatics and almost every scene involving the frat boys and their obnoxious, overweight comic relief (Jim Greenleaf, who played much the same role in the following year's Joysticks). To quote the subjects of this completely passable effort: "Grody to the Max!" (Chris Hartley, 3/3/14)

Directed By: James Polakof.
Written By: James Polakof, Deborah Amelon.

Starring: Jill Carroll, Elena Stratheros, Michelle Laurita, Gina Calabrese.