Not too long ago I decided to revisit the Charles Band produced mock anthology sci-fi/horror flick The Dungeonmaster to see how it held up to my childhood viewings. It didn't. Seeing as I was on a 80s kick, and my research on that flick enlightened me to much nerdy trivia, I found myself hitting the play button on Netflix when spotting our subject here. What first surprised me about Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn was seeing the Universal logo. "Surely, you jest?" I thought. It can't be a Charlie Band non-epic 3D flick saw release by a Hollywood studio. Yet here it is. I've known of this since being a kid but, much like the similar Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone, I just didn't bother renting the VHS tape despite looking at it a bunch of times.

Maybe if I was still the impressionable age of nine, and did actually watch this, I might be more forgiving of it all these years later. I can certainly handle junky post apocalyptic fare as my enjoyment of Wheels of Fire can attest to, but what's on display here is so cheap looking, confusing, and horribly plotted that it's easy for me to tell anyone but the most avid Band completist to avoid this. And that's despite the fact there's an amusing scene with some sand worms and the hovercraft chase finale caters strictly to the flick's 3D gimmick while looking like a low grade acid trip.

Jeffrey Byron plays our hero Dogen, who has been drifting through the desert wasteland sporting what's either a hardcore Hollywood tan or really brown dirt all over his face. While driving through the desert in his armoured jeep he gets in a laser battle with a half deformed baddie on a hovercraft. Meanwhile, Dhyana (Kelly Preston) watches her miner father being murdered by a lizard-like, robot-handed baddie who, it turns out, is the right-hand-man of our titular villain Jared-Syn (Mike Preston).

Soon Dogen meets up with Dhyana and they set out to avenge her dad's death and maybe, just maybe, deliver on the destruction of Jared-Syn our title promises (spoiler: they don't). Amongst their journeys through the arid wasteland they have lots of weird visions, end up with psychic connections to our baddie's henchmen, have an electricity charged fight with a human-like insect, Dogen has a High Noon flavoured shoot-out (that would be borrowed by Band later for his sci-fi western Oblivion), Tim Thomerson (Trancers) shows up to give the flick its only spark of life as gruff and cool sidekick Rhodes, and everything crashes towards an ultimately pointless finale that lets Jared-Syn escape(!!).

It's hard to put a finger on what the worst thing about Metalstorm is. It's definitely a chore to sit through and marked the second time Band would cater to 3D in the early eighties. The previous year's Parasite would also trot it out but at least that benefitted from early effects work of Stan Winston and the fact it was about gooey slug monsters. This is lowest common denominator sci-fi. Not being a big fan of the genre myself, even I was insulted for all the sci-fi nerds.

Byron is completely vapid as our hero. He's boring. I had more fun wondering how much he tipped the girls at the tanning salon than paying attention to him. I've always thought Preston was cute, and she's still a good looking lady, but if I want to see her in something 80's (and see her nekkid as well) I'd rather watch Mischief. As our baddie, Preston (no relation) hams it up, because there's no other option. Thomerson, as usual, rules.

Unlike my cohort, Josh, I'm not above consuming all the post apocalyptic trash that followed in Mad Max's wake but watching this solidified my opinion that, even though Band's modern Full Moon efforts are piss poor, he really wasn't that great even thirty years ago. His direction here is static, the action sequences are low-grade at best, and everything just looks so very cheap. It has to say something when Richard Band's over-the-top score is the most exciting thing here. He'd actually recycle Byron and Richard Moll (who plays a bald-headed cultist type) as well as some of the props for the aforementioned The Dungeonmaster the following year. (Chris Hartley, 4/16/13)

Directed By: Charles Band.
Written By: Alan J. Adler.

Starring: Jeffrey Byron, Mike Preston, Tim Thomerson, Kelly Preston.