When you think of Anna Nicole Smith you think of plenty things other than "actress". You think of her start as a Playboy model, her subsequent marriage to a much older billionaire (he was ninety and she twenty-six when they tied the knot), her many appearances in public where she's seemed quite "off", her weight battles and Trim Spa sponsoring, and her battle over her late husbands estate. But actress? Yeah, right. If you don't count her starring roles in the low-budget action flicks Skyscraper and To The Limit, Smith really hadn't done much in the film realm. That's why, upon her recent accidental overdose death, it's almost sad that MTI Home Video is trying so hard to play off her name (and tragic ending) to promote her final effort, Illegal Aliens.

A pastiche of poor sexual innuendo humour (yet no bare skin!), juvenile spoofs of sci-fi films of the past, and low-budget special effects, Illegal Aliens not only scrapes the bottom of the barrel, it buries itself underneath it. And it's not even really Smith's fault that it turned out so badly.

A cheesy animated intro tells us about three shape-shifting aliens who are sent to defend Earth that take the form of three voluptuous women. There's Lucy (Smith), Cameron (Lenise Soren) and Drew (Gladise Jimenez). And yes, those names are intended to be a take-off of the recent Charlie's Angels movies (and is only one of numerous, lame, riffs on the films and television show). They're having a pretty dull time on Earth just spending their time looking good but that's all about to change when an evil alien being called Rex takes over the body of a mobster's boss (played by Joanie Laurer, who most will know as being the "is that a dude?" wrestler Chyna).

Under the guidance of their holographic mentor Syntax (Kevin McGuire) our "illegal aliens" have to try and stop Rex from creating an ultimate weapon that will destroy not only the Earth, but also possibly the Universe.

A scattershot low-budget production, Illegal Aliens just seems to try and coast by on a bare bones plot and the fact it's not taking itself too seriously. The only problem is that director David Giancola has absolutely no idea how to stage an action scene (check out the dumb car chase early on - that's followed right away by a bus chase) and does even worse when he tries for comedy. Ben Coello's script stretches for laughs only to not deliver any but it's quite possible even his lousy screenplay might be upstaged by Laurer's absolutely atrocious performance. She's constantly screaming at the top of her lungs, making guttural noises and pulling a variety of faces - Hell, she even manages to be more annoying than Smith who plays her character as a none-too-bright blonde haired alien who talks in a baby voice while making childish remarks and acting like a two-year-old.

The makers even attempt to break the barrier between film and reality by having Giancola popping up a few times to yell "cut" and critique his actors performances (which leads to a moment where Smith proclaims, "who do I have to screw to get off this movie?"). It's an old device to try and wink at the audience and it's usually used only when the people behind the movie know things are going terribly wrong.

Possibly the worst thing about Illegal Aliens is the fact that there was a big enough budget on hand for plentiful explosions, crashes and weak CGI effects and that, in the end, it's all for naught. This is painful to watch, it's never once funny, and it would be almost embarrassing to all involved (if most of them weren't either has-beens or unknowns - only Dennis Leoine is tolerable as Rex's sidekick, Ray). In fact, probably the most true line uttered in the movie is when Giancola says right before the end credits, "and that's a wrap... on my career". (Chris Hartley, 5/22/07)

Directed By: David Giancola.
Written By: Ben Coello.

Starring: Anna Nicole Smith, Joanie Laurer, Lenise Soren, Gladise Jimenez.