The original Anaconda wasn't exactly a movie that cried out for a sequel but they went ahead and did it anyway with the second entry, subtitled The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, being an improvement over the bloated Jennifer Lopez starring original and offering up some mild entertainment in the process. Apparently someone over at the Sci-Fi Channel (now SyFy) thought it would be a great idea to make not only a third but also a fourth (!) entry into the series shooting them back-to-back and banking on undiscerning genre fans' familiarity with the first two to bring them decent ratings. This seems to be a decision they didn't think through too much when you consider they've not only brought us the expected poorly done CGI effects (even the blood is rendered using a computer) but also given top billing to none other than David Hasselhoff.

In order to try and come up with a cure to terminal disease, giant pharmaceutical company Wexel Hall have been working on a top secret experiment mixing the rare blood orchid plants so sought after in the previous entry and the DNA of a Queen anaconda. Amongst all the chintzy lab set design comes reptile expert Amanda Hayes (Crystal Allen) who soon finds herself in peril when our deadly snakes get out of their cages and start preying upon any random scientists who happen to get in the way of their escape - including one unlucky fellow who gets to stand there clutching his own intestines in one, of many, pointless (if numerous) gore effect scenes.

To track down the escaped Queen, Wexel Hall calls in expert hunter Hammett ("The Hoff") who's had experience with the anacondas in the past as we witnessed a group he was leading through the jungle quickly become snake chow in the film's opening scene. Hammett and a whole new crew of trackers, along with Amanda who's busy having multiple flashbacks to previous deaths and gets in the film's highlight moment when she gets to kick Hammet's ass, set out to re-capture the reptiles and bring them back to the lab and along the way we're treated to poorly staged action scenes like a farmhouse shoot-out and subsequent car chase, more crappy attacks, and a padded finale with our two heroes creeping through a factory.

Even in the realm of direct-to-video low-budget sequels Anaconda 3: Offspring is awful stuff and this is even after I purposely lowered my expectations due to it being a Sci-Fi production. The makers could have easily taken the casting of washed-up, Internet joke friendly Hasselhoff and made this into a campy creature feature but instead they've given him very little screen time letting Allen's mostly dull character take on the main protagonist role. This decision isn't really helped by a lazy, by-the-book script and those aforementioned junky effects. Even director Don E, FauntLeRoy seems to be bored with the entire endeavour not really bringing any flair to the proceedings despite having a fairly large resume as a cinematographer - Hell, he made three Steven Seagal flicks before this and I'm willing to bet they were not only more energetic, but more entertaining, than this (and if you've seen any Seagal effort made after 2003, you know that's something).

As mentioned before, Allen gets the most screen time here and tries her best to bring some badass to her character but I just wasn't buying it. She reprises the same character in part four and here's hoping she might've learnt something from this one. John Rhys-Davies (The Unnamable II, Raiders of the Lost Ark) continues to prove he'll take a paycheque for almost anything as Wexel Hall head honcho Murdoch, playing your stereotypical gruff human baddie. But what saddens me most about the cast is having to admit to you that Hasselhoff was the best thing here as he's obviously not taking things that seriously.

After watching Anaconda 3: Offspring I began to question myself as to why I continue to sit through all these crappy DTV sequels. Perhaps it's my unfortunate feeling of obligation to see them, or maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment, but I'll continue watching them and saving you the pain of doing it yourself. You're welcome. (Chris Hartley, 2/24/10)

Directed By: Don E. FauntLeRoy.
Written By: Nicholas Davidoff, David Olson.

Starring: David Hasselhoff, Crystal Allen, Ryan McCluskey, Patrick Regis.